Posts Tagged 'film'

It wasn’t a good movie: He Was a Quiet Man review

“The ship is sinking, the ship is sinking
There’s a leak, there’s a leak in the boiler room
The poor, the lame, the blind
Who are the ones that we kept in charge?
Killers, thieves and lawyers”

God’s Away On Business, Tom Waits
 
 
 
Recently I watched He Was a Quiet Man, written and directed by Frank Cappello. Don’t you know him? Well, I don’t blame you, he hasn’t made a lot of films, but maybe if I tell you that he wrote the Constantine, film… you will still be unable to recognize him.
 
 

 
 
As in all of my reviews, I’ll tell you how the movie ends. You’ve been warned.
 
 
The film tells us the story of Bob Maconel, a dull office worker played by Christian Slater (I know, it’s not a good omen). Bob dreams of blowing up the building in which he works, and he is ready to shoot their co-workers dead. The thing is he doesn’t know whom to shoot with the sixth bullet. And he is NOT throwing the last bullet to the garbage bin!
 
 

“CRAP! I forgot to pack my things before!”


 
 
So, one day, while he’s thinking whom to shoot, the last bullet slips from his hands, and while he’s picking it he hears gunshots and sees the dead bodies of his co-workers. He gets up and sees Coleman (another co-worker of his) holding a gun. Why doesn’t Coleman shoot Maconel? Well, as Coleman puts it: “the only reason you’re still alive is because you’re even more stupid tan I”. Ha! Put that on your pipe and smoke it, Darwin! Eventually, Coleman seems to think that is better to be dead that being Maconel’s friend, and he decides to shoot himself.  
Click here to keep reading the review. It even has a talking fish!

Suddenly, it seems that drinking blood is no longer cool: Twilight review

“Out from his coffin, Drac’s voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, “Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?”

Monster Mash, Bobby “Boris” Pickett
 
 
 

And now… the moment you all were waiting for! the Twilight review! Yes, yes, I know, I know. You are a Twilight fan, or Twilighter, and you’re cocking your gun to blow my brains out and singing “There will be blood, blood, there will be blood, blood!”. Well, honestly, I can’t say that you’re gonna like what you read, because, basically, I’m gonna tear Edward Cullen’s freaking guts out and wear them for a tie! Ehem. Excuse me. But, hey, that would be certainly more vampiric than the whole Twilight movie.
 

“Hey man, let’s go see ‘Twilight’! I heard it has vampires in it, and I want to see some blood!”

This guy must have been the portrait of disappointment when he walked out of the cinema

 
And now, ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seat belts and get your fangs sharpened, because my Twilight review begins now.

Click here to read the review. C’mon, click! You know you want to!

Coming soon…

“Lady writer on the TV,

she had another quality,

the way you used to look

and I know you’ve never read a book”

Lady Writer, Dire Straits

Coming soon… what you all were expecting: My Twilight review!

Yes, I know, the sequel, New Moon is now on cinemas, and, though I’ll be watching it (my girlfriend wants to, and, hey, I want to watch it to criticize it mercilessly!), I won’t be talking about it until I have.

Well, I will say one thing: WAXED WEREWOLVES? C’mon! What will be next? Vampires that don’t get burned when exposed to sunlight? Oh, wait, we ALREADY have seen that. On Twilight! Man, this is gonna be good.

What? You want a preview of my review? Ok, here it is:

Here’s what I think about Twilight

Yes, I know. Lots of people want to kill me right now. But, hey, I’m used to it.

Cheers!


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