Being a supernatural monster is a bitch: New Moon review

“All things move toward their end
I knew before I met her that I would lose her
I swear I made every effort to be good to her
I made every effort not to abuse her
Do you love me? Do you love me? Like I love you?”

Do You Love Me?, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
 
 

John Connor’s diary. Date: December 21st. The future has changed. Mankind is no longer being wiped out by the Terminators, but by a series of films about non-blood-drinking vampires and waxed werewolves. You still can fix this. Tell Stephenie Meyer “Do I like Twilight? NOT AT ALL!”.


 
 
Recently I watched New Moon. And I actually liked it, it fits perfectly into the horror movies parody genre that has since so long— WHAT? It isNOT a parody? I don’t get it.
 
 

CHARACTERS

 
Edward Cullen: He is still as lame as in the first movie. The only difference is that, in this one, he wants to commit suicide, and since he seems unable to rip his own head off (and hasn’t heard about guillotines) he goes to Italy to get on an old vampire family’s nerves and make them put an end to his life. Or death. Whatever. But Eddie, you didn’t need to go to Italy! I would have killed you myself with gusto!
 
Bella Swan: When Edward leaves, she gets depressed and starts screaming while sleeping. But then, his little werewolf fellow Jacob shows up, and she focuses on getting laid with him. Why not? She’s young, she’s depressed! By the way, Bella falls in love for a vampire and for a werewolf. Does that count as necrophilia and zoophilia?
 
Jacob Black: A native Indian American, our friend Jacob here is, in addtion, a werewolf. During the first movie (and the beginning of this one too) he proudly sports a scruffy mane. But when he gets wolfy for the very first time, he decides to have a haircut, get tattooed and say “goodbye” to T-shirts forever. May I point that each time this lad was on screen almost every girl in the room started screaming/sighing/clapping?
 
 

The odd couple. Oh, and the, huh… the other one, too

 
 
The Volturi: The most ancient vampire family, and, as such, the one that is in charge of everything, including those fancy tunics. They’re like some kind of “vampire police” and, if anyone breaks the rules (that is “you shall not kill anybody in public” and “in public, you shall not kill anybody”) they kill them! HA! That will show them! But, what is this delicious irony? They kill a group of tourists themsleves!. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
 
It makes me sad seeing Michael Sheen (Frost vs. Nixon o The Queen) playing one of them, as it made me sad seeing him in Underworld 3 (yes, I know he was in part 1 as well, but hey, he was making his way to the top). But, hey, he plays a leader in both films, so, vampire leader and werewolf leader (in Underworld), that’s a nice film career! He may retire now with a wide smile.
 
 

Don’t get fooled. Dakota Fanning only gets two lines. Literally.

 
 
Jacob’s pack: Each one of them is a werewolf. Each one of them is waxed. Each one of them runs around shirtless. Each one of them behaves as an uncivilized child, beating the crap out of everyone who dares to step on their way.
 
 

Macho macho man! I want to be a macho man!

 
 
 

PLOT

 
It’s Bella’s eighteenth birthday, and the Cullens (who may be undead, but they care for their people) have arranged a party for Bella. Bella doesn’t seem too excited about getting older (who is?), but in high school Alice (a Cullen), who is able to manipulate people’s emotions, uses her ability to make Bella happy. And talking about high school, do you remember Jasper? Yes, he is the guy I talked you about in my
Twilight review, the one who is still blood-thirsty but keeps going to high school. I thought he had overcome his “addiction”. As we shall see, he hasn’t.
 
So, at the party, Bella gets cut while unwrapping her presents and Jasper takes advantage. Edward, who feels kinda bad about the fact that his girlfriend might get killed in her eighteenth birthday, smashes her into a wall, making her bleed even more. While Bella bleeds like a slaughtered pig (not really, but I would have liked that) Edwards fights Jasper.
 
 

”Back off, bub! I know Vamp Fu!”

 
 
At the end, Carlisle (another Cullen), who happens to be a doctor and has much more self-control than Jasper stitches Bella’s injury and everyone lives happily ever after.
 
 

“Look, here comes dinner”

I wish.

 
 
Do they? Edward metes Bella at the very same forest when they had their first date (you know, the “I’m-a-shiny-vampire” kind of date) and tells her that they’re leaving. By “they” I mean the Cullens, Bella has to stay. Honestly, I can hardly blame them. They leave because Carlisle (and everybody else) have been living there for ten years, and people is beginning to notice that they don’t seem to get older at all. Yeah, it’s kinda obvious.
 
So, Edward leaves and bella stays until it gets dark screaming “Edward? EDWAAAAAAAAAAARD?!”. Can’t you see he’s long gone?
 
 

Oooooooh, look at her, she doesn’t know her way back home…

 
 
In a nice scene with a background song (the whole movie looks like a music video) we are shown that Bella feels blue. Damn, she feels deep blue, at least. She starts seeing visions of a ghostly Edward who tells her to burn the whole town to the ground take care of herself. At night, Bella screams something like this: UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!”.
Her father, tired of her utterly insane daughter’s James Brown-y screams, tells her to go live with her mother. Yeah, that’s the way to deal with trouble. The good old “Let-Another-Guy-Take-Care-Of-This” philosophy. And Bella’s father is the town sheriff. Oh, crap.
 
 

“That’s it, young lady! I can’t stand it anymore! You’re moving back to yo’ home to Bel-Air!

 
 
Anyway, don’t worry about Bella. She remembers his friend Jacob and pays him a visit. She ends up loving him. Why not? He’s tanned and hot! And, just in case we didn’t notice, Bella keeps telling him how hot he is over and over again. And Mr Jacob runs around shirtless in almost every scene.
 
 

Oh, he really IS hot!

 
 
But there’s some guy at high school that also (?) likes Bella, and tells her to go to the cinema together and watch, and I’m not making this up, “Love Spelled Backwards Is Love”, but she tells her to watch “Face Punch” instead. Jacob also gets invited, and, in an exercise of metacinema, we get to hear a scene from Face Punch) which is literally as follows:
 

Tough guy #1: (calmly) Drop the gun or I’ll blow your darn brains out.

Tough guy #2: (calmly) YOU drop the gun or I’ll blow YOUR brains out.

Tough guy #3: (even more calmly) YOU TWO drop the gun or I’ll blow BOTH OF YOUR BRAINS out.

 
At that moment, I wished we were watching Face Punch instead of New Moon.
 
 

They seem to be having great fun, don’t they?

 
 
Bella’s buddy gets sick and exits the screening. When Dull McBuddy stops throwing up, Jacob gets suddenly upset and tells him that he is not a man and blahblahblah and threatens him with taking him to the hospital (?). Next time we see Jacob, he’s tattooed, short-haired and shirtless. And so will he be during the rest of the film. Bella tells her how beautiful he is (the same crap he told Edward) and that he has changed and if would he mind to have sex with her. Well, more or less.
 
After many stupid irrelevant scenes, Jacob tells Bella that he’s a werewolf. She doesn’t seem surprised by this, hey, she hangs around with vampires, what did you expect?
 
Afterwards, Bella goes to Italy to prevent Edward from exposing himself by shining in public. As I said in my Twilight review, I don’t think that if an Italian sees a shiny guy he is going to think “Mamma mia! Vampires! Call Berlusconi! And call Monica Bellucci, if you don’t mind”. Anyway, they met, they kiss, they are taken to the Volturi. Aro (Michael Sheen) is the only one who actually DOES something. He tells them to kill Bella, but the Cullens say “no! We were about to turn her into a vampire!”. “Oh, then why don’t you just do it and fuck off?” says Aro.
 
We get to see how Bella’s life as a vampire would be:
 
 

As my girlfriend put it: “If this is the future, why do they wear antique suits?”

 
 

The Cullens (nice name for a sitcom) decide to turn Bella into a vampire, but Edward doesn’t agree. And Jacob isn’t very happy about it either. He tells Bella that, if she is to become a vampire, he would have to kill them all, since vampires and werewolves are at war since *insert cliché here*

 
The last scene goes like this:
 
 

Edward: ( with a dull expression) if you want me to be the one that turns you into a vampire…

Bella: (with a dull expression) Yeeeeeeeeeeees?

Edward: (with a dull expression) …You’ll have to wait five years.

Bella: (with a dull expression) I can’t wait that long!

Edward: (with a dull expression) Well, just three years, then. But you’ll have to… marry me.

Bella: (she raises an eyebrow)



 

CREDITS

 

THE AUDIENCE SCREAMS


 
LONG LIVE FEMINISM!
 
 

ACTING

 
There’s nothing to say here. They’re pretty much as horrible as usual. The new actors are awful as well. I won’t criticize Michael Sheen: he’s a pretty good actor and doesn’t do much in this film, so… Move on to the next section. There’s nothing for you in here.
 
 

TRIVIA

 
Did you know that…
 
…The audience did not stop screaming and clapping every time that Shiny the vampire and Waxed McWolf were on screen?
 
…that damn screaming almost makes me go berserk?
 
…the screaming made it diffcult for me to follow the movie’s twisted and complex plot?
 
Twilighty werewolves are plain stupid?
 
…the Twilight Saga is one of the funniest movie sagas I’ve ever seen?
 
…several dolls of the main characters have been released? I have a special fondness for Twilight Barbies.
 
 

They’re still more expressive than the flesh and bone actors

 
 
 

CONCLUSION

 
Don’t waste your money. Don’t watch this piece of garbage. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s even worse than the first one, and that is really something.
 

“HAHR HAHR HAHR! YOU POOR LITTLE HUMANS!”

 
 
Pros: If you’re in for a good laugh, you’ll have it.
Cons: If you’re not in for a good laugh, you may end killing yourself.
 

BONUS

 
Jacob Black makes a small cameo in Lesbian Vampire Killers:


 
 
*In loving memory of Paul Naschy, a true werewolf.
 
 

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1 Response to “Being a supernatural monster is a bitch: New Moon review”


  1. 1 Tido December 16, 2009 at 21:24

    Now I want to see “Face Punch”. Oh, and “Lesbian Vampire Killers”. Whatever except for this piece of rubbish.

    Nice review.


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