Suddenly, it seems that drinking blood is no longer cool: Twilight review

“Out from his coffin, Drac’s voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, “Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?”

Monster Mash, Bobby “Boris” Pickett
 
 
 

And now… the moment you all were waiting for! the Twilight review! Yes, yes, I know, I know. You are a Twilight fan, or Twilighter, and you’re cocking your gun to blow my brains out and singing “There will be blood, blood, there will be blood, blood!”. Well, honestly, I can’t say that you’re gonna like what you read, because, basically, I’m gonna tear Edward Cullen’s freaking guts out and wear them for a tie! Ehem. Excuse me. But, hey, that would be certainly more vampiric than the whole Twilight movie.
 

“Hey man, let’s go see ‘Twilight’! I heard it has vampires in it, and I want to see some blood!”

This guy must have been the portrait of disappointment when he walked out of the cinema

 
And now, ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seat belts and get your fangs sharpened, because my Twilight review begins now.

I have divided my review in several sections: Characters, Plot, Acting, Special Effects, Twilight Highlights (or “Lowlights”) and Trivia. So, shall we begin?
 
 

CHARACTERS


 
­­­- Edward Cullen: Everybody’s favorite vampire! Eddie shines when exposed to sunlight, is extreeeeeemely pale, which is cool, unless you are ill or something like that. He also has a bad-hair day, only that his bad-hair day lasts for the last century. Because he has to protect from sunlight (if he didn’t, he would be shining all day long!), he wears… SUNGLASSES! Why, that’s being clever! As everybody knows, sunglasses cover all your face. Anyway, when he wears them, he doesn’t shine. They must be magic sunglasses.
 

“Look at me, I’m a trendy vampire!”

“Look at me, I’m the trendy vampire’s girlfriend!”

 
He falls in “love” (I would say “he gets obsessed with”) Bella Swan because he can read everybody’s minds but hers. Yes, being a vampire in Twilight is awesome. You don’t have any weaknesses and, in addition, each vampire has a special ability: mindreading, enhanced senses… And you get to be the coolest guy in town because you emit some kind of fancy pheromones that make everybody to get attracted to you. Wow.
 

“You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”

 
­- Bella Swan: Or “Isabella Swan”, as her passport says. If you are a feminist, or just if you think that women should be independent, you’ll probably hate Bella. She meets Edward and his free will vanishes. She must be with him, because he’s so cool, and so pale, and so vampy, and look, his family plays vampire baseball (or should I say vampire vaseball?). But don’t get angry, because she realizes that she can’t be so dependent from a vampire, and in the second book/movie, she changes her mind. She becomes totally dependent to a werewolf. Oh, that’s much better. And, by the way, that makes me think that Bella has odd sexual tendencies. First, necrophilia (Edward) and then, zoophilia (with Jacob). Man, Twilight really is deeper than it looks at first!
 

“Oh, I wish Edward sank his teeth in my neck. Growl!”

 
 
 

PLOT

 
To keep it short: Bella Swan is a young outcast who falls in love with a scruffy vampire, Edward “I’m the world’s oldest child molester” Cullen. Did I mention that he’s supposed to be more than one hundred years old? Well, he is. But he still behaves like if he was fifteen. Oh, heck. Who cares, anyway? Look at him. “HE’S SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME, OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD, LOOK AT HIS HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIR!!”. Where was I? Oh, yes. I was saying that Bella falls in love with our immature vampire friend. Well, surprisingly enough, he also falls in love with her. “For God’s sake, WHY?” you’ll be asking yourselves. Well, in Cullen’s words: “I’ve fallen in love with you because I can read everybody’s mind, but not yours, and that upsets me”. Am I the only one who finds this sick?

Oh, and then, in the middle of the night, Bella wakes up and, guess who’s staring at the window staring at her? Yes! Eddie Cullen! Oh, that’s so romantic! No, I’m kidding. Our little Eddie here is a stalker. But Bella seems to like stalkers.

By the way, Bella meets Jacob, a long-haired werewolf that will become more important in the sequel. He starts telling a story about a family of werewolves and everybody (that is, everybody who does not have a brain) wonders who they might be.
 

From left to right: Bella, her father, a cowboy-hat-loving werewolf in a wheelchair (I’m not kidding) and Jacob. Don’t worry, he’ll get a haircut in the sequel. And may I left a question: when Wheelchair Wolf changes into a wolf… Does he wear one of those funny cones that dogs sometimes wear to prevent them from biting their injures?

 
Bella starts being suspicious about Edward. Why is he so pale? Why does he always act so strangely? “He must be a vampire”¸she thinks, because, as we all know, if you act strangely, then you are a vampire. So, they go to a forest and Eddie tells Bella “Say what I am. Say it”. I was hoping that she told him “Well, you’re an idiot, a stalker and a child abuser. I’m only seventeen, and you are, what? One hundred years old? I think the age difference maybe too much”. But she didn’t. She said “Vampire”. And Eddie starts leaping from tree to tree (which shouldn’t surprise me, because he has certain ape-like look) and speaking nonsense like “I don’t drink human blood, because it’s bad and blahblahblah and I’m a killer”. What? You haven’t killed anyone, but you’re a killer? That makes no sense. Like the rest of the movie.
 

Mr. Paws says: “This scene deeply offends me and my species”

 
But the best part is when he walks into a stream of sunlight. “Great!”, I thought, “he’s finally getting burned until nothing’s left of him. Well, maybe a little pile of ashes.” But, then again, no. He started shining. He started FUCKING SHINING! He’s a vampire! Vampires don’t shine! Vampires BURN! Vampires drink blood! But here they don’t. Here they shine like diamonds. And that’s just the beginning. Then, Eddie says “That’s why I avoid sun. Because if they saw me, they all would know what I am”. Well, I don’t know what do you think, but, if I saw someone shining, I wouldn’t think “Damn! A vampire! Hurry, get the garlic, the crucifixes and the holy water! Oh, and bring a ham sandwich too, if you don’t mind”, I would think he’s in drag or something like that.
 

“No! I can’t go into sunlight! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO– Wait a minute, I’m shining! I feel like the queen of the night!”

 
So, Bella meets the Cullen family. If you think it is uncomfortable to meet your boyfriend or your girlfriend’s family, just imagine how uncomfortable must be to meet your vampire parents-in-law. However, Bella does just fine. But, watch out, Bella! There’s one member of the family who looks at you with hungry eyes! Does he want to get intimate with you? Of course NOT, you silly cow! As Cullen Sr. puts it “he’s our most recent ‘vegetarian’”. May I say that the Cullens are plain stupid? This guy still feels urged to rip people’s throats open and you send him to high school? That’s a mass murder waiting to happen.

Anyway, and after some ridiculous scenes involving the whole Cullen family playing baseball (?) and Eddie Cullen shining like a new diamond when he gets exposed to sunlight (yeah, I know, vampires should burn when they get into sunlight, not shine), another family of vampires, this one an EVIL family of vampires, (they’re evil because they drink blood, you know, the kind of things that vampires do) try to kill Bella and Eddie-boy because of something that, frankly, I can’t and I don’t want to remember. What I remember is that they say “We outnumber them. We’ll be safe as long as we are together. You, take the car and go wherever-it-might-be. You, get the heck out of here. You, get out of my face. You, go someplace else!” Yeah, that’s right. Their bodies might be immortal, but their neurons surely aren’t.
 

“Hi, I’m the bad guy. You can call me James. Or Jimmy.”

 
Oh, and there’s a dance at high school. And, though their attending to it puts lots of people in danger (because they’re being chased by killers and all that stuff), they GO. Because they’re young (well, at least Bella is) and selfish. Who cares about innocents?
 

“Bella, I want you to be at home at 10 o’clock. Oh, and no bloodsucking tonight, Edward. You’re still too young.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Swan. I’ll respect her.”

 
Obviously, Mr. Blonde, the bad vampire, appears and fights Edward. They even get smashed into stone columns! At last, a true vampire fight! Or something like that.
 

Notice how they are all alone. The rest of people must be running away from the vampire killers while they dance.

 
Eventually, Bella gets bitten, and Eddie must suck the vampire-converting poison out of her, or she’ll become a vampire! How dramatic! But he can’t, because he’s afraid he’ll lose control and suck Bella’s blood. How dramatic (again)! And I thought, “couldn’t any other of the more experienced members of the Cullen family suck the damn poison out?” It seems that they could, but it would go against all romantic conventions.
 

“That’s not exactly what I meant before”, said Bella

 
Well, at the end, he sucks the bloody damn poison out, and everything’s alright and everything’s fine and, when you think they’re going to live happily ever after (especially Eddie-boy), there’s a final twist: one of the baddies is still alive (or undead, or whatever you may call it)! BAM! Cliffhanger! Boy, I can’t wait to see how it ends.
 

Oh, why don’t you just throw yourselves out of that cliff and put an end to (y)our miseries? That would really be a cliffhanger!

 
 
 

ACTING

 
Well, I don’t have much to say in here. Everybody does an awful job. Everybody. Robert Pattinson, who plays Eddie-boy, goes around with a face that says “look at me, I’m a tormented vampire” during all the movie. If you don’t believe me, look at this expression when he is in serious trouble:
 

“Oh, I might get killed for good. I’m terrified. I want my baby blanket!

 
As for Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella, she doesn’t have much to do, except for sporting a dull expression on his face. And she does that wonderfully.
 

“What? I’ll have to make THREE sequels?!”

 
 
 

SPECIAL EFFECTS


 
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, they’re awful. AWFUL, I TELL YOU! I know, I know. It’s a low budget film (about 37,000,000$, ain’t that low?), but there’s so much they could have done if they hadn’t hired a three-year old kid to make the CGI sequences. When Edward shines, he looks like he has been dipped in glitter! Seriously. They’re awful. New Moon’s budget is 57,000,000$, but I don’t think that the special effects have been improved. Twilight’s audience doesn’t care about special effects as long as they have a hot boy to look at! And by “hot boy” I mean Bob Pattinson or Taylor Lautner. Oh, excuse me. Taylor Lautner is  the lad playing Jacob. You will see more of them (unfortunately) in New Moon, and I’ve heard that he spends most of the movie running around shirtless, which doesn’t say much about his acting skills.
 
 

TWILIGHT HIGHLIGHTS (or LOWLIGHTS)


 
– The vampire baseball: As stupid as it sounds. But the best part is when the baddies appear and Edward says “Hurry up, Bella! Get behind me! James has an enhanced sense of smell, and we vampires don’t have a scent!”. Yeah, right. Because scent goes in a straight line and, if Edward blocks it, he won’t sense it. But, even if scent worked that way (it doesn’t), Bella is so stupid that he doesn’t understand the word behind and gets side to side with Edward. Great.

– The whole Edward-Bella relationship: It’s one of the sickest relationships I’ve ever seen. Man, I can even see Edward saying “I sucked her blood because she was mine”. Anyway, they seem to be pretty happy together. Poor little things.

­- Edward Cullen’s room: Supposedly, he doesn’t have a bed, because he doesn’t sleep. I pity him. He has lived for a century, and he still doesn’t know that beds can be used for more than sleeping. Or maybe it’s something else? If he’s dead, his blood doesn’t flow anymore, so, how does he get an er…election? I leave the question open.
 

“Edward, where’s your bed?”

“I don’t have one. I don’t sleep. I don’t even have a coffin. That’s soooo old fashioned…”

“Yes, but how are we supposed to… you know… make love?”

“I don’t get your point.”

“Oh, forget it.”

 
 
 

TRIVIA


 
Did you know that…

…Eight out of ten Twilighters don’t know the actors’ names and only refer to them as “the hot guy” or “that Bella bitch! If she wasn’t alive, I would be dating Edward!”

…Seven out of ten Twilighters don’t know that Edward Cullen and Bella Swan are just fictional characters?

…Six out of ten emos want to be just like Edward/Bella? The other four don’t want to because they just want to be dead.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is more faithful to the vampire mythos? And I’m not kidding. They even have to be invited to one place to be able to go in. And the movie is funny as hell. Really. Go give it a try.

…Robert Pattinson is actually a horse disguised as an ape disguised as an awful actor?

…I actually enjoyed Twilight because I saw it as if it was a comedy film?

…The best thing about the Twilight films being released with so little time between them is that we would have ended with all this crap soon?
 
 

CONCLUSION


 
If it was up to me, I would put Stephenie Meyer (in case you don’t know, she is the author of the books) on trial, accusing her of crimes against Humanity. But, since I would get beaten by thousands of angry teens, I won’t. For now.
 

“YOUR SOULS ARE MINE NOW! HAHR HAHR HAHR HAHR!”

 
Twilight is an awful film, that’s for sure. But the book is awful, too. Yes, I’ve read it. I read it in English when it came out. I downloaded it, of course, I’m not silly enough to pay for it. When I finished it and learned about the sequel, I thought “No, I had enough. I don’t deserve this kind of suffering.”

Anyway, I can tell you that I’ll be watching New Moon. And the sequels. Why? Because I like watching bad movies. How would I be able to appreciate the good ones if I didn’t? And because it’s the best vampire comedy film saga that I’ve ever seen.
 
 
*Dedicated to Béla Lugosi, a true vampire.
 

“How comes drinking blood is no longer cool?”

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7 Responses to “Suddenly, it seems that drinking blood is no longer cool: Twilight review”


  1. 1 Raaaaawr December 4, 2009 at 13:00

    ahahhaha XDDDDd

    That is so funny!!

    I laghed a lot reading this!! Is all true!!

    You have a lot of imagination javi!!

    xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

    I can’t stop “lol’ing” xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDd

  2. 2 Tido December 4, 2009 at 14:06

    I just have one word: LOL

    Everything else I could say is unneeded. Of course, I rated your post with the highest score.

    Oh, by the way. That reminds me I saw that Lesbian Vampire film at my favourite downloading website, and I was wondering if I should download it. Now I will.

    CU!

  3. 4 Cuac. December 4, 2009 at 14:13

    You are aaaaaalways telling me this stuff, so you certainly know there is anything new to me at all.

    Nevertheless, I have to admit this post didn’t displeased me, so I encourage you to keep on writing things like this to prevent your genius ending up asleep xD

    Anyway, it won’t save you from coming with me to the cinema to watch the sequel as soon as possible =)

    • 5 Alarcón December 4, 2009 at 14:24

      I know, I know. And that’s fine, because watching New Moon will give me material for another post! And I can’t wait to see Jacob running shirtless and naked. Oh, well, at least he would be naked when he turns into a wolf.

  4. 6 Amz December 4, 2009 at 20:40

    Me parto con lo de “odd sexual tendencies”
    JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA xD


  1. 1 Vampires, werewolves and a bitch: New Moon review « The Apes of Wrath Trackback on December 16, 2009 at 17:48

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