“Tell us a tale, you’re the… er… guy who tells tales and all that stuff”

“I just want you to be happy
That’s my only little wish”

Just The Right Bullets, Tom Waits

“You ain’t got no money?
He’ll get you some
You ain’t got no car?
He’ll get you one
You ain’t have no self-respect,
you feel like an insect
Well don’t you worry buddy,
‘cause here he comes”

Red Right Hand, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Hi, it’s me, Javi! Since I started writing this blog –excuse me, Mr. Paws, since you and I started writing this blog, I’ve received tons of e-mails, from “What is this stupid piece of shit? It looks like it has been written by a chimpanzee! Oh, it has? Then it’s terrific!” to “This is the most marvelous piece of literature I’ve ever read! You should apply for the Nobel Prize!”. Well, I once was, but I didn’t win it. It’s all politics, you know.
I’ve also received a mail offering me discounts for buying Viagra, but it had little or nothing to do with the blog (I hope).

Anyway, everybody told me that the songs weren’t playing. It is true. I was using a server which does not work if you aren’t logged in from MY computer or whatsoever. Anyway, from now on CLICK on every blue word you see. It will take you to a new world of color, imagination, music and apes! C’mon, click on the songs at the beginning of the post if you haven’t done it yet!
Oh, and the web from which I extracted the lyrics from the Tom Waits’ songs has been closed. That’s a shame, because the lyrics had annotations explaining each reference and everything. But, on the good side, Tom Waits’ official website has been remade, and now it has audio and video player, quotes, and LYRICS TO EVERY SONG, so, thumbs up!

And now, let me tell you the story of how I came to use WordPress instead of Blogspot, the most common choice when it comes to blog writing. It is a story which I named:

Once upon a time, there was a young, handsome, intelligent, witty and extremely charismatic boy. This marvelous example of human being (let’s call him, I don’t know, Javi, for example) was a Translation student, and one day, as he went home, he found a massive block of stone in front of his home which read:

“THOU SHALL WRITE A BLOG”

Astounded by the size of the stone and by the fact that one could accomplish such an example of good calligraphy when writing on granite, he decided that it was time to become a man and start doing whatever the giant stones that he may find told him to do. He rushed to his bedroom, screaming “GET OUT OF MY FREAKIN’ WAY, THE GIANT STONE TOLD ME TO WRITE A BLOG!!” to whomever dared to step on his way and turned on his computer.

“Oh, I’m so excited!” said Javi “I’m going to have a blog! Now everybody will be able to read the brilliant ideas that cross my mind every second!”

**Meanwhile, inside Javi’s brain…**

“Hey, John, where’s Wilbur?” asked a lonely neuron, “John? John? Wilbur? Graham? Eric? …Anybody?”

**Back to Javi’s bedroom**

“But, where to host my blog? Blogspot or WordPress? WordPress or Blogspot? Blogspot? WordPress? BLOGSPOT?! WORDPRESS?!” wondered Javi annoyingly.
“STOP THAT SCREAMING!” howled a growly voice.
“…God? Is that you?” asked Javi, knowing that God may had a personal bone to pick against him.
“Guess again” said the voice, and, from a cloud of black smoke, appeared Tom Waits.

    “Guess again”

“Tom Waits?!” cried happily Javi “this is the best day of my life! I’m your biggest fan!”
“I don’t think so, kid, you’re just about 1’77. Anyway, I’m here to help you.”
“Help me? Tom Waits is going to help me? This is the best day of my life! I’m your big–“
“Shut it! You said that before!” said Waits, angrily “I’ve come to tell you to choose WordPress. It’s cleaner, it’s more professional, it begins with a W, like Waits, what more can you ask for?”
“You’re right,” said Javi “count me in”
“Not so fast, kid” said a somber voice
“…God? Is that you this time, right?” asked Javi
“Well, you could certainly say that ‘God Is In The House’”, said the voice, and, in a flash of light, Nick Cave appeared.

“Well, you could certainly say that ‘God Is In The House’”

“Nick Cave?!” cried happily Javi “this is the best day of my life! I’m your biggest fan!”
“I don’t think so, kid,” said Cave “you’re just about 1’77. Anyway, I’m here to help you”
“I think I’m having a déjà vu…” said Javi
“Yes, me too” growled Waits
“Shut up, Waits! I will win this time! You’ll never drag this kid into WordPress!” screamed Cave with a profound, dark voice “Javi, I want you to choose Blogspot. You can add tons of widgets, and it begins with a B, like Nick Bave, what more can you ask for?”
“I thought your last name was ‘Cave’, not ‘Bave’, Nicky” teased Waits
“…Touché. Anyway, Javi, what do you say? If you choose Blogspot, you will be able add an automatic audio player that will activate automatically each time a visitor enters your blog!”
“But I thought that blog readers don’t like automatic audio players,” said Javi “in fact, every time I enter a blog and a song begins to play without me wanting it to, I curse the author’s name”
He calls upon the author to explain, Nicky!” laughed Waits. “You see, kid, that’s why you should choose WordPress. Sure, it does not allow you to add widgets, but you can always add a link to an external server to play the song”
“Yeah, maybe you’re right…” said Javi “I’m sorry, Nick, but I choose WordPress. But don’t worry, you’re still my second favorite artist!”
“Second? SECOND? Who’s first?” asked Cave, furious.
“Well… Tom Waits.”
“HA! Put that on your pipe and smoke it, Nick!” said Waits with a wicked grin.
“This is not over yet, Tom!” screamed Cave “If I can’t take this kid with me, I’ll take another! You will never win!” and, in a blink, he disappeared.

Astounded, Javi asked Waits what did Cave mean.
“Well, you see, when we aren’t songwriting, we like to get people to write blogs. Nick is a Blogspot man, while I prefer WordPress” explained Waits
“Wow… You must be REALLY bored!”
“Hey, it’s a way as good as any other to spend your time. You should try it” proposed Waits
“Er– Maybe later, thank you” declined Javi “Anyway, when do I get to sink my teeth in my brand new WordPress blog?”
“Oh, right, I almost forgot. Let there be a blog!” exclaimed Waits, and a stream of golden powder flowed from the palm of his hand.

“Let there be a blog!”

“…That was really nice, but where the heck is my blog?” asked Javi
“Your blog isn’t anywhere yet. Go to the WordPress website and fill the registration form to create your damn blog!”
“And all the golden powder thingy?”
“Oh, that was just for show.” smiled Waits “And now I must be leaving, ‘cause I sail tonight to Singapore!
“Oh, can I go with you?” asked Javi with hope shining in his eyes
“Of course not. So long, Javi! Good luck with your blog! And remember, there is no Devil, there’s only God when He’s drunk!
“But I thought you played the Devil in the film “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” asked Javi
“Oh, did I?” and, in a cloud of smoke, he disappeared, grinning.

And that’s how I got my blog. True story. One day I’ll tell you the story of how I met Mr. Paws (or how he met me).

Cheers!

P.S.: The song “God Is In The House” is satirical. That means that all the homophobic comments are NOT to be taken seriously. There was some controversy when the song was released and Cave explained that he thought that it was clear that he was being satirical.
And listen to the songs! I have spent ages uploading them! D’you hear me? AAAAAGES!!

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2 Responses to ““Tell us a tale, you’re the… er… guy who tells tales and all that stuff””


  1. 1 The man with two hands November 28, 2009 at 14:04

    I’d rather you told your children how did you meet her mother.

    It’s gonna be legen…. wait for it… it’s coming… it’s almost here… dary!

    Good blog, and not as bad story (I prefer the one about the bussinessman, it brings me some memories about my pleasant and beloved degree -FUCK YOU ALL-)

    Go on that way, my not very dear & unlucky friend.

  2. 2 Tido November 28, 2009 at 15:53

    Oh, man.

    I see Spartan Transvestites riding bikes, but you just need a darn shrink right now.

    Nice post, anyway. ;)


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