I would keep writing here, but the words required by my English teacher are 8000, and, if I’m not mistaken, we’re allowed a 10% more. I don’t want to outnumber them! So, a quick summary of where to find me:

- Reflexiones de un tipo con boina (roughly, A guy in a flat cap’s thoughts): There you’ll find my two cents on movies, politics, books and much more. In addition, you can listen to my two colaborations in a Gandia University radio program, Açò hi hauria que gravar-ho.

- Twitter: Your daily dose of me!

- Formspring.me: Here you can ask me whatever you want. And I’ll answer your prayers, unlike… you know, the guy up there… the one with the beard.

- Facebook: Keep in touch with me from the RduTcB page or my own personal page!

That’s all for now! Cheers!

“So don’t cry for me, for I’m goin’ away
and I’ll be back some lucky day”

Lucky Day, Tom Waits
 
 
 
Hi, everybody. This is Javi writing. As you know, this blog was intended to be just homework for the English lessons. We had to write 4000 words on the first semester and other 4000 on the second one. With my last update, the He Was a Quiet Man review, I’ve reached (and gone over) that number. So, I don’t think I’ll be writing in this blog anymore (except for further assignments, of course. And yeah, maybe if I get feedback from some English speaking readers).

But this blog has rekindled my interest in writing, and has caused the birth of my other blog (written in Spanish), Reflexiones de un tipo con boina, which started as just the Spanish version of this blog. It shares some of its contents, such as the New Moon review (with new jokes) or the WordPress VS Blogspot tale, but it has tons of new content, such as an El Hormiguero review, my two cents in Obama’s Nobel, a tale of my own about real vampires and even a review of my blog (not written by me or any of my friends or relatives).
 
So,  as I don’t know when I’ll write in this blog again, I want to share this blog’s biggest secret with you… Mr. Paws identity!
 
 

“Hey, what are you doing with that camera? Back off! I said BACK OFF!!”

 
 
So, I hope you keep reading me at Reflexiones de un tipo con boina. I sure be reading your blogs. By the way, make sure you click the Lucky Day link at the top of the page. Is a nice beautiful song that I’ve been listening over and over while I wrote this.
 
Cheers!

“I said your name will
Be in lights…
And that’s no doubt
But you got to have
A manager that’s what
It’s all about”

Eyeball Kid, Tom Waits

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I went downtown to meet two friends and have a coffee. In the end, we ended up not having coffee whatsoever because we were (and still are) extremely short of money, but we met the most extraordinary kid on Earth:

Oddwalk Kid!

Let me tell you how it happened:

We were outside Café & Té (delicious smoothies, I must say) talking for a while, when I noticed something weird: a kid kid was running into us! But this was no normal kid. He was short, chubby, about twelve years old and blonde. “Why, you’re losing your mind! There are plenty of kids like that!”, you might say. Yes, indeed. But this one had a distinctive trait: one out of three of his steps ended in a nice, though unelegant, backwards kick in the air, accompained by a little jump. This reminded me two things. First, Tido’s similar encounter of the third kind with this kind of beings. And second, the amazing Mr. John Cleese himself:

The Oddwalk Kid made me think. What’s his story? Why did he choose to walk that way? Is he a Fama fan? Or perhaps is he a Billy Elliot fan? As one of my friends said “Nah, he’s too fat to be Billy Elliot”.

Oddwalk Kid’s walking routine

I guess we’ll never know. But, from here, I wish to pay my respects to Oddwalk Kid. And I think you should, too.

Hail! Hail! The Oddwalk Kid!

He was born without a sense of rhythm, not even a bit,
but he grown up to be the Oddwalk Kid!
We are lost in the darkness of this world,
but he came to teach us how to really walk!
Hail! Hail! The Oddwalk Kid!*

*Lyrics taken from Tom Waits’ Eyeball Kid and modified by Mr. Paws and I.

“All things move toward their end
I knew before I met her that I would lose her
I swear I made every effort to be good to her
I made every effort not to abuse her
Do you love me? Do you love me? Like I love you?”

Do You Love Me?, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
 
 

John Connor’s diary. Date: December 21st. The future has changed. Mankind is no longer being wiped out by the Terminators, but by a series of films about non-blood-drinking vampires and waxed werewolves. You still can fix this. Tell Stephenie Meyer “Do I like Twilight? NOT AT ALL!”.

 
 
Recently I watched New Moon. And I actually liked it, it fits perfectly into the horror movies parody genre that has since so long— WHAT? It isNOT a parody? I don’t get it.
 
 

CHARACTERS

 
- Edward Cullen: He is still as lame as in the first movie. The only difference is that, in this one, he wants to commit suicide, and since he seems unable to rip his own head off (and hasn’t heard about guillotines) he goes to Italy to get on an old vampire family’s nerves and make them put an end to his life. Or death. Whatever. But Eddie, you didn’t need to go to Italy! I would have killed you myself with gusto!
 
- Bella Swan: When Edward leaves, she gets depressed and starts screaming while sleeping. But then, his little werewolf fellow Jacob shows up, and she focuses on getting laid with him. Why not? She’s young, she’s depressed! By the way, Bella falls in love for a vampire and for a werewolf. Does that count as necrophilia and zoophilia?
 
- Jacob Black: A native Indian American, our friend Jacob here is, in addtion, a werewolf. During the first movie (and the beginning of this one too) he proudly sports a scruffy mane. But when he gets wolfy for the very first time, he decides to have a haircut, get tattooed and say “goodbye” to T-shirts forever. May I point that each time this lad was on screen almost every girl in the room started screaming/sighing/clapping?
 
 

The odd couple. Oh, and the, huh… the other one, too

 
 
- The Volturi: The most ancient vampire family, and, as such, the one that is in charge of everything, including those fancy tunics. They’re like some kind of “vampire police” and, if anyone breaks the rules (that is “you shall not kill anybody in public” and “in public, you shall not kill anybody”) they kill them! HA! That will show them! But, what is this delicious irony? They kill a group of tourists themsleves!. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
 
It makes me sad seeing Michael Sheen (Frost vs. Nixon o The Queen) playing one of them, as it made me sad seeing him in Underworld 3 (yes, I know he was in part 1 as well, but hey, he was making his way to the top). But, hey, he plays a leader in both films, so, vampire leader and werewolf leader (in Underworld), that’s a nice film career! He may retire now with a wide smile.
 
 

Don’t get fooled. Dakota Fanning only gets two lines. Literally.

 
 
- Jacob’s pack: Each one of them is a werewolf. Each one of them is waxed. Each one of them runs around shirtless. Each one of them behaves as an uncivilized child, beating the crap out of everyone who dares to step on their way.
 
 

Macho macho man! I want to be a macho man!

PLOT

 
It’s Bella’s eighteenth birthday, and the Cullens (who may be undead, but they care for their people) have arranged a party for Bella. Bella doesn’t seem too excited about getting older (who is?), but in high school Alice (a Cullen), who is able to manipulate people’s emotions, uses her ability to make Bella happy. And talking about high school, do you remember Jasper? Yes, he is the guy I talked you about in my
Twilight review, the one who is still blood-thirsty but keeps going to high school. I thought he had overcome his “addiction”. As we shall see, he hasn’t.
 
So, at the party, Bella gets cut while unwrapping her presents and Jasper takes advantage. Edward, who feels kinda bad about the fact that his girlfriend might get killed in her eighteenth birthday, smashes her into a wall, making her bleed even more. While Bella bleeds like a slaughtered pig (not really, but I would have liked that) Edwards fights Jasper.
 
 

”Back off, bub! I know Vamp Fu!”

 
 
At the end, Carlisle (another Cullen), who happens to be a doctor and has much more self-control than Jasper stitches Bella’s injury and everyone lives happily ever after.
 
 

“Look, here comes dinner”

I wish.

 
 
Do they? Edward metes Bella at the very same forest when they had their first date (you know, the “I’m-a-shiny-vampire” kind of date) and tells her that they’re leaving. By “they” I mean the Cullens, Bella has to stay. Honestly, I can hardly blame them. They leave because Carlisle (and everybody else) have been living there for ten years, and people is beginning to notice that they don’t seem to get older at all. Yeah, it’s kinda obvious.
 
So, Edward leaves and bella stays until it gets dark screaming “Edward? EDWAAAAAAAAAAARD?!”. Can’t you see he’s long gone?
 
 

Oooooooh, look at her, she doesn’t know her way back home…

 
 
In a nice scene with a background song (the whole movie looks like a music video) we are shown that Bella feels blue. Damn, she feels deep blue, at least. She starts seeing visions of a ghostly Edward who tells her to burn the whole town to the ground take care of herself. At night, Bella screams something like this: UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!”.
Her father, tired of her utterly insane daughter’s James Brown-y screams, tells her to go live with her mother. Yeah, that’s the way to deal with trouble. The good old “Let-Another-Guy-Take-Care-Of-This” philosophy. And Bella’s father is the town sheriff. Oh, crap.
 
 

“That’s it, young lady! I can’t stand it anymore! You’re moving back to yo’ home to Bel-Air!”

 
 
Anyway, don’t worry about Bella. She remembers his friend Jacob and pays him a visit. She ends up loving him. Why not? He’s tanned and hot! And, just in case we didn’t notice, Bella keeps telling him how hot he is over and over again. And Mr Jacob runs around shirtless in almost every scene.
 
 

Oh, he really IS hot!

 
 
But there’s some guy at high school that also (?) likes Bella, and tells her to go to the cinema together and watch, and I’m not making this up, “Love Spelled Backwards Is Love”, but she tells her to watch “Face Punch” instead. Jacob also gets invited, and, in an exercise of metacinema, we get to hear a scene from Face Punch) which is literally as follows:
 

Tough guy #1: (calmly) Drop the gun or I’ll blow your darn brains out.

Tough guy #2: (calmly) YOU drop the gun or I’ll blow YOUR brains out.

Tough guy #3: (even more calmly) YOU TWO drop the gun or I’ll blow BOTH OF YOUR BRAINS out.

 
At that moment, I wished we were watching Face Punch instead of New Moon.
 
 

They seem to be having great fun, don’t they?

 
 
Bella’s buddy gets sick and exits the screening. When Dull McBuddy stops throwing up, Jacob gets suddenly upset and tells him that he is not a man and blahblahblah and threatens him with taking him to the hospital (?). Next time we see Jacob, he’s tattooed, short-haired and shirtless. And so will he be during the rest of the film. Bella tells her how beautiful he is (the same crap he told Edward) and that he has changed and if would he mind to have sex with her. Well, more or less.
 
After many stupid irrelevant scenes, Jacob tells Bella that he’s a werewolf. She doesn’t seem surprised by this, hey, she hangs around with vampires, what did you expect?
 
Afterwards, Bella goes to Italy to prevent Edward from exposing himself by shining in public. As I said in my Twilight review, I don’t think that if an Italian sees a shiny guy he is going to think “Mamma mia! Vampires! Call Berlusconi! And call Monica Bellucci, if you don’t mind”. Anyway, they met, they kiss, they are taken to the Volturi. Aro (Michael Sheen) is the only one who actually DOES something. He tells them to kill Bella, but the Cullens say “no! We were about to turn her into a vampire!”. “Oh, then why don’t you just do it and fuck off?” says Aro.
 
We get to see how Bella’s life as a vampire would be:
 
 

As my girlfriend put it: “If this is the future, why do they wear antique suits?”

The Cullens (nice name for a sitcom) decide to turn Bella into a vampire, but Edward doesn’t agree. And Jacob isn’t very happy about it either. He tells Bella that, if she is to become a vampire, he would have to kill them all, since vampires and werewolves are at war since *insert cliché here*

 
The last scene goes like this:
 
 

Edward: ( with a dull expression) if you want me to be the one that turns you into a vampire…

Bella: (with a dull expression) Yeeeeeeeeeeees?

Edward: (with a dull expression) …You’ll have to wait five years.

Bella: (with a dull expression) I can’t wait that long!

Edward: (with a dull expression) Well, just three years, then. But you’ll have to… marry me.

Bella: (she raises an eyebrow)

CREDITS

THE AUDIENCE SCREAMS

 
LONG LIVE FEMINISM!
 
 

ACTING

 
There’s nothing to say here. They’re pretty much as horrible as usual. The new actors are awful as well. I won’t criticize Michael Sheen: he’s a pretty good actor and doesn’t do much in this film, so… Move on to the next section. There’s nothing for you in here.
 
 

TRIVIA

 
Did you know that…
 
…The audience did not stop screaming and clapping every time that Shiny the vampire and Waxed McWolf were on screen?
 
…that damn screaming almost makes me go berserk?
 
…the screaming made it diffcult for me to follow the movie’s twisted and complex plot?
 
… Twilighty werewolves are plain stupid?
 
…the Twilight Saga is one of the funniest movie sagas I’ve ever seen?
 
…several dolls of the main characters have been released? I have a special fondness for Twilight Barbies.
 
 

They’re still more expressive than the flesh and bone actors

CONCLUSION

 
Don’t waste your money. Don’t watch this piece of garbage. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s even worse than the first one, and that is really something.
 

“HAHR HAHR HAHR! YOU POOR LITTLE HUMANS!”

 
 
Pros: If you’re in for a good laugh, you’ll have it.
Cons: If you’re not in for a good laugh, you may end killing yourself.
 

BONUS

 
Jacob Black makes a small cameo in Lesbian Vampire Killers:

 
 
*In loving memory of Paul Naschy, a true werewolf.
 
 

“Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That’s nobody’s business but the Turks”

Istanbul (Not Constantinople), They Might Be Giants

Hello. It’s me, Javi. No, call me Javier, we are in serious business here. I’m here to teach you a lesson you will never forget: Istanbul was Constantinople, but now it’s Istanbul. Got it? Right.

And now, to make sure you have paid attention, let’s take a little exam. If you answer correctly the following question, you will win a special prize. Are you ready?

Which is the name of this city?

A – Istanbul

B – Constantinople

C – Javitown

I am looking forward to read your answers. Until then.

“The ship is sinking, the ship is sinking
There’s a leak, there’s a leak in the boiler room
The poor, the lame, the blind
Who are the ones that we kept in charge?
Killers, thieves and lawyers”

God’s Away On Business, Tom Waits
 
 
 
Recently I watched He Was a Quiet Man, written and directed by Frank Cappello. Don’t you know him? Well, I don’t blame you, he hasn’t made a lot of films, but maybe if I tell you that he wrote the Constantine, film… you will still be unable to recognize him.
 
 

 
 
As in all of my reviews, I’ll tell you how the movie ends. You’ve been warned.
 
 
The film tells us the story of Bob Maconel, a dull office worker played by Christian Slater (I know, it’s not a good omen). Bob dreams of blowing up the building in which he works, and he is ready to shoot their co-workers dead. The thing is he doesn’t know whom to shoot with the sixth bullet. And he is NOT throwing the last bullet to the garbage bin!
 
 

“CRAP! I forgot to pack my things before!”

 
 
So, one day, while he’s thinking whom to shoot, the last bullet slips from his hands, and while he’s picking it he hears gunshots and sees the dead bodies of his co-workers. He gets up and sees Coleman (another co-worker of his) holding a gun. Why doesn’t Coleman shoot Maconel? Well, as Coleman puts it: “the only reason you’re still alive is because you’re even more stupid tan I”. Ha! Put that on your pipe and smoke it, Darwin! Eventually, Coleman seems to think that is better to be dead that being Maconel’s friend, and he decides to shoot himself.  

But not all is happiness in Slaughteroffice!
 
 

 
 
Coleman thought he had killed a co-worker named Paula. But he didn’t! Instead, she shot Vanessa, whom he “liked. Her smile made the room shine”. To put her out of her miseries, Coleman decides to use his last bullet to blow her to Kingdom Come, but Maconel shoots the sheriff Coleman first.
 
As it frequently happens, Maconel is considered a local hero because he killed Coleman (I think he could have shot him in the knee. In Tarantino’s movies they say that it’s “a hard place to get fucking shot”), he gets promoted, he is invested Emperor of the United States and Defender of Mexico and he gets pretty much everything he could ever have wished for. His boss, played by William H. Macy, tells him to visit Vanessa, since he saved her life and that stuff. So, Maconel goes to the hospital, when they tell him that Vanessa, played by Elisha Cuthbert, has lost mobility of the entirety of her body, except for her head. She spits him right in his face and tells him that she would rather be dead. Bob runs away, getting wrapped in the curtains in a sketch that would make Pepe Viyuela proud.
 

 
Back in the office, Bob writes “SHOULD I FINISH WHAT COLEMAN STARTED?”. His boss arrives and asks him to make some copies of her wife’s book. And guess what? Bob’s paper gets copied too! Wow, I bet you didn’t see that coming. Oh, who I’m trying to cheat? Everybody saw it coming. Oh, screw it. Will everybody find out that Bob is out of his mind? When? Will Bob’s fishes sing the entire West Side Story songbook? By the way, did I mention that Bob’s fishes tell him to kill everybody? Because they do.
 
 

“Kill those motherfuckers, Bob! And feed us, Stripes is starving!”. True story.

 
 
Days later (I guess is about time for the copy guy to do Bob’s copies), Vanessa tells Bob to visit her one more time because she wants to ask him for something. Does she want Bob to sing her a Tom Waits song? No! She wants him to help her commit suicide, by taking her to a train station and letting her go to be hit by the train. “Well, that should be fun”, says Bob, and they have dinner together in a posh restaurant and go to a karaoke (there had to be a karaoke)
 
 

” No Camilo Sesto songs? You’re lucky I haven’t brought my revolver…”

 
 
At the station, Bob gets cold feet and stops Vanessa’s wheelchair before it falls to the railroads. Vanessa gets the red mist and curses Bob’s name tells Bob how disappointed she is. Bob realizes that Vanessa is moving her pinkie. At the hospital, a doctor tells them that there is still hope, and Bob and Vanessa start dating. Their relationship is showed to us in a scene so corny that it hurts. It’s like watching a Jonas Brothers’ video. Awful, awful. Oh, and then Vanessa tells Bob that, although she can’t move her body, she can still give him a blowjob pleasure him orally. Bob refuses at first, but then he offers no resistance. Bob knows best.
 
 

 
 
Days go by, weeks go by, and when years made an attempt to go by, somebody discovers the
“SHOULD I FINISH WHAT COLEMAN STARTED?” copies. The office shrink tells Bob to find out who the killer to be is. Bob tries to use the janitor as a scapegoat, but the shrink tells Bob that he knows that the psycho is Bob (and might I ask, then why on Earth didn’t the shrink warned Bob’s boss at first?).
 
 

“Me, a killer? You’re lucky that I haven’t brought my revolver…”

 
 
Moreover, Bob’s boss tells Bob that Vanessa doesn’t actually love him and that she is with him just because she needs him to feed her (and other less glamourous tasks). Bob, angry as Hell, goes home and asks Vanessa if she loves him. Vanessa tells him that she “doesn’t speak that language”, but she can “learn”. Bob leaves, angry as h— huh… twice as angry as Hell and starts talking to himself. Which is nice, because that means that he has stopped talking to his fishes.
 
Next day, Bob goes to the office, and finds the bullet that he dropped. Wait a moment, the bullet has been there for MONTHS? They really should fire the cleaning lady! Oh, no, wait, wait. The bullet is still there because the whole movie since Bob dropped the bullet was a hallucination. Damn you, Frank Cappello! DAMN YOU!
 
 

“It was a hallucination? Frank, you’re lucky that I haven’t brought my revolver… Wait, I have! It’s inside my suitcase!”

 
 
Bob sees Paula/Vanessa, and, instead shooting her, he shoots himself because, as he has been saying during the entire movie, “the weak must be sacrificed in order to save the herd”. At the end, Bob’s neighbors get interviewed, and they say “he seemed to be a good person” and “he was a quiet man”.
 
 

He really was a quiet man. Unless he brought his revolver.

 
 
So, it ended up being a hallucination. That’s a shame, it could have been a good drama film (or a good black comedy). I think that if the Coen brothers would have made this, it would have been great. But…
 
 
Pros: The beginning, which makes you think you’re going to see an excellent movie. The idea is good, and if you don’t expect much, you could end up liking this movie.
Cons: The middle part of the film. The corny video scene which keeps going for almost ten minutes. The “it was just a hallucination” thing.
 
 

“Out from his coffin, Drac’s voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, “Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?”

Monster Mash, Bobby “Boris” Pickett
 
 
 

And now… the moment you all were waiting for! the Twilight review! Yes, yes, I know, I know. You are a Twilight fan, or Twilighter, and you’re cocking your gun to blow my brains out and singing “There will be blood, blood, there will be blood, blood!”. Well, honestly, I can’t say that you’re gonna like what you read, because, basically, I’m gonna tear Edward Cullen’s freaking guts out and wear them for a tie! Ehem. Excuse me. But, hey, that would be certainly more vampiric than the whole Twilight movie.
 

“Hey man, let’s go see ‘Twilight’! I heard it has vampires in it, and I want to see some blood!”

This guy must have been the portrait of disappointment when he walked out of the cinema

 
And now, ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seat belts and get your fangs sharpened, because my Twilight review begins now.

I have divided my review in several sections: Characters, Plot, Acting, Special Effects, Twilight Highlights (or “Lowlights”) and Trivia. So, shall we begin?
 
 

CHARACTERS

 
­­­- Edward Cullen: Everybody’s favorite vampire! Eddie shines when exposed to sunlight, is extreeeeeemely pale, which is cool, unless you are ill or something like that. He also has a bad-hair day, only that his bad-hair day lasts for the last century. Because he has to protect from sunlight (if he didn’t, he would be shining all day long!), he wears… SUNGLASSES! Why, that’s being clever! As everybody knows, sunglasses cover all your face. Anyway, when he wears them, he doesn’t shine. They must be magic sunglasses.
 

“Look at me, I’m a trendy vampire!”

“Look at me, I’m the trendy vampire’s girlfriend!”

 
He falls in “love” (I would say “he gets obsessed with”) Bella Swan because he can read everybody’s minds but hers. Yes, being a vampire in Twilight is awesome. You don’t have any weaknesses and, in addition, each vampire has a special ability: mindreading, enhanced senses… And you get to be the coolest guy in town because you emit some kind of fancy pheromones that make everybody to get attracted to you. Wow.
 

“You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”

 
­- Bella Swan: Or “Isabella Swan”, as her passport says. If you are a feminist, or just if you think that women should be independent, you’ll probably hate Bella. She meets Edward and his free will vanishes. She must be with him, because he’s so cool, and so pale, and so vampy, and look, his family plays vampire baseball (or should I say vampire vaseball?). But don’t get angry, because she realizes that she can’t be so dependent from a vampire, and in the second book/movie, she changes her mind. She becomes totally dependent to a werewolf. Oh, that’s much better. And, by the way, that makes me think that Bella has odd sexual tendencies. First, necrophilia (Edward) and then, zoophilia (with Jacob). Man, Twilight really is deeper than it looks at first!
 

“Oh, I wish Edward sank his teeth in my neck. Growl!”

PLOT

 
To keep it short: Bella Swan is a young outcast who falls in love with a scruffy vampire, Edward “I’m the world’s oldest child molester” Cullen. Did I mention that he’s supposed to be more than one hundred years old? Well, he is. But he still behaves like if he was fifteen. Oh, heck. Who cares, anyway? Look at him. “HE’S SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME, OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD, LOOK AT HIS HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIR!!”. Where was I? Oh, yes. I was saying that Bella falls in love with our immature vampire friend. Well, surprisingly enough, he also falls in love with her. “For God’s sake, WHY?” you’ll be asking yourselves. Well, in Cullen’s words: “I’ve fallen in love with you because I can read everybody’s mind, but not yours, and that upsets me”. Am I the only one who finds this sick?

Oh, and then, in the middle of the night, Bella wakes up and, guess who’s staring at the window staring at her? Yes! Eddie Cullen! Oh, that’s so romantic! No, I’m kidding. Our little Eddie here is a stalker. But Bella seems to like stalkers.

By the way, Bella meets Jacob, a long-haired werewolf that will become more important in the sequel. He starts telling a story about a family of werewolves and everybody (that is, everybody who does not have a brain) wonders who they might be.
 

From left to right: Bella, her father, a cowboy-hat-loving werewolf in a wheelchair (I’m not kidding) and Jacob. Don’t worry, he’ll get a haircut in the sequel. And may I left a question: when Wheelchair Wolf changes into a wolf… Does he wear one of those funny cones that dogs sometimes wear to prevent them from biting their injures?

 
Bella starts being suspicious about Edward. Why is he so pale? Why does he always act so strangely? “He must be a vampire”¸she thinks, because, as we all know, if you act strangely, then you are a vampire. So, they go to a forest and Eddie tells Bella “Say what I am. Say it”. I was hoping that she told him “Well, you’re an idiot, a stalker and a child abuser. I’m only seventeen, and you are, what? One hundred years old? I think the age difference maybe too much”. But she didn’t. She said “Vampire”. And Eddie starts leaping from tree to tree (which shouldn’t surprise me, because he has certain ape-like look) and speaking nonsense like “I don’t drink human blood, because it’s bad and blahblahblah and I’m a killer”. What? You haven’t killed anyone, but you’re a killer? That makes no sense. Like the rest of the movie.
 

Mr. Paws says: “This scene deeply offends me and my species”

 
But the best part is when he walks into a stream of sunlight. “Great!”, I thought, “he’s finally getting burned until nothing’s left of him. Well, maybe a little pile of ashes.” But, then again, no. He started shining. He started FUCKING SHINING! He’s a vampire! Vampires don’t shine! Vampires BURN! Vampires drink blood! But here they don’t. Here they shine like diamonds. And that’s just the beginning. Then, Eddie says “That’s why I avoid sun. Because if they saw me, they all would know what I am”. Well, I don’t know what do you think, but, if I saw someone shining, I wouldn’t think “Damn! A vampire! Hurry, get the garlic, the crucifixes and the holy water! Oh, and bring a ham sandwich too, if you don’t mind”, I would think he’s in drag or something like that.
 

“No! I can’t go into sunlight! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO– Wait a minute, I’m shining! I feel like the queen of the night!”

 
So, Bella meets the Cullen family. If you think it is uncomfortable to meet your boyfriend or your girlfriend’s family, just imagine how uncomfortable must be to meet your vampire parents-in-law. However, Bella does just fine. But, watch out, Bella! There’s one member of the family who looks at you with hungry eyes! Does he want to get intimate with you? Of course NOT, you silly cow! As Cullen Sr. puts it “he’s our most recent ‘vegetarian’”. May I say that the Cullens are plain stupid? This guy still feels urged to rip people’s throats open and you send him to high school? That’s a mass murder waiting to happen.

Anyway, and after some ridiculous scenes involving the whole Cullen family playing baseball (?) and Eddie Cullen shining like a new diamond when he gets exposed to sunlight (yeah, I know, vampires should burn when they get into sunlight, not shine), another family of vampires, this one an EVIL family of vampires, (they’re evil because they drink blood, you know, the kind of things that vampires do) try to kill Bella and Eddie-boy because of something that, frankly, I can’t and I don’t want to remember. What I remember is that they say “We outnumber them. We’ll be safe as long as we are together. You, take the car and go wherever-it-might-be. You, get the heck out of here. You, get out of my face. You, go someplace else!” Yeah, that’s right. Their bodies might be immortal, but their neurons surely aren’t.
 

“Hi, I’m the bad guy. You can call me James. Or Jimmy.”

 
Oh, and there’s a dance at high school. And, though their attending to it puts lots of people in danger (because they’re being chased by killers and all that stuff), they GO. Because they’re young (well, at least Bella is) and selfish. Who cares about innocents?
 

“Bella, I want you to be at home at 10 o’clock. Oh, and no bloodsucking tonight, Edward. You’re still too young.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Swan. I’ll respect her.”

 
Obviously, Mr. Blonde, the bad vampire, appears and fights Edward. They even get smashed into stone columns! At last, a true vampire fight! Or something like that.
 

Notice how they are all alone. The rest of people must be running away from the vampire killers while they dance.

 
Eventually, Bella gets bitten, and Eddie must suck the vampire-converting poison out of her, or she’ll become a vampire! How dramatic! But he can’t, because he’s afraid he’ll lose control and suck Bella’s blood. How dramatic (again)! And I thought, “couldn’t any other of the more experienced members of the Cullen family suck the damn poison out?” It seems that they could, but it would go against all romantic conventions.
 

“That’s not exactly what I meant before”, said Bella

 
Well, at the end, he sucks the bloody damn poison out, and everything’s alright and everything’s fine and, when you think they’re going to live happily ever after (especially Eddie-boy), there’s a final twist: one of the baddies is still alive (or undead, or whatever you may call it)! BAM! Cliffhanger! Boy, I can’t wait to see how it ends.
 

Oh, why don’t you just throw yourselves out of that cliff and put an end to (y)our miseries? That would really be a cliffhanger!

ACTING

 
Well, I don’t have much to say in here. Everybody does an awful job. Everybody. Robert Pattinson, who plays Eddie-boy, goes around with a face that says “look at me, I’m a tormented vampire” during all the movie. If you don’t believe me, look at this expression when he is in serious trouble:
 

“Oh, I might get killed for good. I’m terrified. I want my baby blanket!

 
As for Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella, she doesn’t have much to do, except for sporting a dull expression on his face. And she does that wonderfully.
 

“What? I’ll have to make THREE sequels?!”

SPECIAL EFFECTS

 
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, they’re awful. AWFUL, I TELL YOU! I know, I know. It’s a low budget film (about 37,000,000$, ain’t that low?), but there’s so much they could have done if they hadn’t hired a three-year old kid to make the CGI sequences. When Edward shines, he looks like he has been dipped in glitter! Seriously. They’re awful. New Moon’s budget is 57,000,000$, but I don’t think that the special effects have been improved. Twilight’s audience doesn’t care about special effects as long as they have a hot boy to look at! And by “hot boy” I mean Bob Pattinson or Taylor Lautner. Oh, excuse me. Taylor Lautner is  the lad playing Jacob. You will see more of them (unfortunately) in New Moon, and I’ve heard that he spends most of the movie running around shirtless, which doesn’t say much about his acting skills.
 
 

TWILIGHT HIGHLIGHTS (or LOWLIGHTS)

 
- The vampire baseball: As stupid as it sounds. But the best part is when the baddies appear and Edward says “Hurry up, Bella! Get behind me! James has an enhanced sense of smell, and we vampires don’t have a scent!”. Yeah, right. Because scent goes in a straight line and, if Edward blocks it, he won’t sense it. But, even if scent worked that way (it doesn’t), Bella is so stupid that he doesn’t understand the word behind and gets side to side with Edward. Great.

- The whole Edward-Bella relationship: It’s one of the sickest relationships I’ve ever seen. Man, I can even see Edward saying “I sucked her blood because she was mine”. Anyway, they seem to be pretty happy together. Poor little things.

­- Edward Cullen’s room: Supposedly, he doesn’t have a bed, because he doesn’t sleep. I pity him. He has lived for a century, and he still doesn’t know that beds can be used for more than sleeping. Or maybe it’s something else? If he’s dead, his blood doesn’t flow anymore, so, how does he get an er…election? I leave the question open.
 

“Edward, where’s your bed?”

“I don’t have one. I don’t sleep. I don’t even have a coffin. That’s soooo old fashioned…”

“Yes, but how are we supposed to… you know… make love?”

“I don’t get your point.”

“Oh, forget it.”

TRIVIA

 
Did you know that…

…Eight out of ten Twilighters don’t know the actors’ names and only refer to them as “the hot guy” or “that Bella bitch! If she wasn’t alive, I would be dating Edward!”

…Seven out of ten Twilighters don’t know that Edward Cullen and Bella Swan are just fictional characters?

…Six out of ten emos want to be just like Edward/Bella? The other four don’t want to because they just want to be dead.

…Lesbian Vampire Killers is more faithful to the vampire mythos? And I’m not kidding. They even have to be invited to one place to be able to go in. And the movie is funny as hell. Really. Go give it a try.

…Robert Pattinson is actually a horse disguised as an ape disguised as an awful actor?

…I actually enjoyed Twilight because I saw it as if it was a comedy film?

…The best thing about the Twilight films being released with so little time between them is that we would have ended with all this crap soon?
 
 

CONCLUSION

 
If it was up to me, I would put Stephenie Meyer (in case you don’t know, she is the author of the books) on trial, accusing her of crimes against Humanity. But, since I would get beaten by thousands of angry teens, I won’t. For now.
 

“YOUR SOULS ARE MINE NOW! HAHR HAHR HAHR HAHR!”

 
Twilight is an awful film, that’s for sure. But the book is awful, too. Yes, I’ve read it. I read it in English when it came out. I downloaded it, of course, I’m not silly enough to pay for it. When I finished it and learned about the sequel, I thought “No, I had enough. I don’t deserve this kind of suffering.”

Anyway, I can tell you that I’ll be watching New Moon. And the sequels. Why? Because I like watching bad movies. How would I be able to appreciate the good ones if I didn’t? And because it’s the best vampire comedy film saga that I’ve ever seen.
 
 
*Dedicated to Béla Lugosi, a true vampire.
 

“How comes drinking blood is no longer cool?”

“I don’t wanna have to shout it out
I don’t want my hair to fall out
I don’t wanna be filled with doubt
I don’t wanna be a good boy scout
I don’t wanna have to learn to count
I don’t wanna have the biggest amount
I don’t wanna grow up.”

I Don’t Wanna Grow Up, Tom Waits
 
 
 
Hey, today it’s Tom Waits‘ birthday! I know, I know, most of you don’t care, but, since it’s MY blog and he’s MY favorite artists, I want to tip my hat in respect to him.
 
 

Happy 60th birthday, Tom!

“Lady writer on the TV,

she had another quality,

the way you used to look

and I know you’ve never read a book”

Lady Writer, Dire Straits

Coming soon… what you all were expecting: My Twilight review!

Yes, I know, the sequel, New Moon is now on cinemas, and, though I’ll be watching it (my girlfriend wants to, and, hey, I want to watch it to criticize it mercilessly!), I won’t be talking about it until I have.

Well, I will say one thing: WAXED WEREWOLVES? C’mon! What will be next? Vampires that don’t get burned when exposed to sunlight? Oh, wait, we ALREADY have seen that. On Twilight! Man, this is gonna be good.

What? You want a preview of my review? Ok, here it is:

Here’s what I think about Twilight

Yes, I know. Lots of people want to kill me right now. But, hey, I’m used to it.

Cheers!

“Now you’ve heard it advertised, don’t hesitate!”

Step Right Up, Tom Waits

Hey! Are you insane enough to want to read more of my incoherences? Then check out my other blog, “Reflexiones de un tipo con boina”! It will include some of this blog’s articles, but it will also have brand new ones!

Yes, this is a pure advertisement. So? It’s my blog! I’ll write whatever I want, and you can’t stop me! Fascists! You bloody fascists! Hurm. Sorry ’bout that.

Coming soon… Twilight: Does it suck as much as they say… or does it suck even MORE? Find out in The Apes of Wrath. And make sure you suscribe to both of my blogs! You know, you just click the “Welcome to the jungle” rectangle, and you’re in!

Cheers!